I am in no way a well-versed theologian. I am just a daughter on a journey learning to be in relationship with God and discovering what it means to live that out in everyday life. Since my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and now lymphoma (a cancerous tumor in her brain), many thoughts have been stewing in my mind. I’ve wrestled with questions I once thought I had the answer to and found that these questions are leading me on a new journey. I want to share this journey of discovery, of waiting, of pursuing God in the storm, because God is who He is, and we remain His throughout the changing seasons and circumstances of life.
This journey has been a lesson in waiting. But I have found that as we’ve been on this journey as a family, I’ve lost sight of what we’re waiting for. At the start of the journey, my hope was in full gear with expectation for God’s supernatural intervention in the full healing of my mom’s body, a revelation of His glory. Instantaneously. I mean, He’s God. He can do that. After a long six months of living in this reality, hope has waned as my expectation wasn’t met, and I’ve been left wondering what it is I am waiting for.
I have believed and still believe that God is a God of healing. I mean, that’s what Jesus came for. His whole journey on earth encompassed a lifestyle of healing, and His sacrifice was made with our healing in mind. “By His wounds, we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) And I believe that to be a healing in every sense of the word–body, soul, mind. And so I have prayed for that for my mom, expected it. The Lord’s heart is to heal. So when is it happening? Why isn’t the cancer gone?
Day, after day, things have seemed to get worse. First, it was breast cancer and a benign brain tumor. Then, the tumor in her brain had grown. Then, it was breast cancer and a cancerous brain tumor that is potentially repressible but basically incurable. In no way am I trying to make this sound like a spiral into a pit of despair. I just want to show that my expectation has, humanly speaking, seemed to be far from met. So where does that leave us?
I’ve asked God these questions and waited for Him to answer. Sometimes the waiting drags on, the questions reverberating through the air for days, weeks. And then, He answers in the most unexpected ways.
I have waited for His glory to be revealed in the fullness of a supernatural healing, bringing wholeness to my mom’s body from one moment to the next, astounding every prayer warrior around the world, every doctor, every person who has doubted His power. And I still pray with expectation that God could very well do that. He is God. But He has spoken into the quiet recesses of my heart and whispered that His glory is revealed through us. As we choose to, every day, surrender to Him and His will, placing our hope in Him and His promises, we are the revelation of His glory on earth. That thought does not disappoint but reminds me of my identity as daughter and follower of Christ, through the blessing and hardship, I choose to be His. His glory.
And as we’ve waited for healing, I’ve realized that healing doesn’t always look the way I expect it to. I wholeheartedly believe that the Lord’s heart is for healing, but it may reveal itself in different ways and be worked out in a way my human mind cannot understand quite yet. For our family, it has been a journey of the Lord using the sickness in my mom’s body and the circumstances surrounding it to bring healing to the relationships in our family. He makes all things work together for our good. We’re still on that journey, but there are glimpses of how the Lord is moving in that.
As a family, we are still pressing in for the full healing of my mom’s body, but I’ve realized there is so much more to this journey than what I want in this moment. I am learning what it means to surrender to His will and sovereignty. And God is bringing about more than I can begin to imagine, both for our good and His glory, in and through our lives.
A heart surrendered.
True joy and peace.
And so I continue to choose Him in this journey.