Rescue in the Rising Tides

I hate cancer.
There.  I said it.
hate cancer.

I hate disease and sickness.
I hate the fact that my last memories of my mother involve her bound to a hospital bed, unconscious.
I hate that there is an entire future I looked forward to with my mother that was threatened and then stolen in the space of seven months.
I hate having to face so much pain in the aftermath of death.
I hate seeing those I love so much hurting so deeply.

I hate it.
And I hate my helplessness in it all.

Strong words for a quiet, church-going, Jesus-loving young woman.
Maybe.

My heart cries out in anger, hatred, and hurt against the reality of our fallen world–the reality that sickness can and has ravaged the body of one I love so dearly and that the enemy that came to steal, kill, and destroy has left his jagged claw marks across our family and continues to haunt our world and strike, leaving pain, destruction, and brokenness in his wake.

And I hate my helplessness in it all.
I hate my helplessness, my inability to build a dam against all evil and hold it back, arms spread wide, protecting those I love with an otherworldly strength and fury.
If only I could stop the rising tide and keep us afloat long enough to be rescued.
Rescue.

I hate my helplessness in it all.

But in my helplessness, my knees scraping against the ground, hands empty but wet from floods of tears, I remember.

I remember that there is a path forged through this tainted world, like a river of pure water in the midst of desert wasteland, a place of refuge and healing from all that the enemy intended for evil.

And I am thankful.

I am thankful for Jesus’ redemption of pain to make it a pathway to healing instead of a pit of despair.
I am thankful that there is an eternity to hope for, long for, desire, and know is secure, all because of His relentless Love and outpouring of grace in rivers of an unblemished blood sacrifice.
I am thankful that His redemption of death turned it from an abyss of separation into a gateway into fuller life in His presence and eternal joy.

I am thankful that brokenness can be turned into beauty, and that mourning will one day be rejoicing.

I am so thankful.

Some days, on this grief journey, I’ll rail angrily against cancer and death and everything that was lost or weep at anything and everything.
Other days, I’ll be at rest in His peace.
Some days, there’s moments of all of these and more.

But in the midst of it all and regardless of where I am at, I am thankful.
I am thankful for His rescue.

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

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2 thoughts on “Rescue in the Rising Tides

  1. Sarah, that’s amazingly well-written and moving. I’m with you in hating the helplessness and being so glad for the rescue!

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