05.26 Alive

I am alive.
The wind whips through my hair, tossing it about and rushing against my face in such a refreshing way.
I am alive.
The world comes into sharper focus as though I’m seeing it for the very first time with new eyes.
I am alive.
Last time I felt this way was exactly half a year ago, walking out of a hospital for the last time.  I can’t believe it’s been six months when it still feels so fresh. Each date marking the passing of another month brings two realizations to the forefront of my mind:
1. This many months have passed in which I haven’t had my Mama in my life.
2.  I have survived.
Each time a significant day comes around, the pain is felt anew, the loss feels fresh, and suddenly I am forced to face my grief again and all the questions that accompany it. This month was full of them: Mother’s Day (our first without her and a year since her diagnosis), my parents’ 25th anniversary, and the half year mark since her passing. Maybe that’s why this month has been so hard.
But I wanted to face today differently. I wanted today to be a victory.
As I spent some time reading Psalm 23 over and over again (because sometimes, that’s all I can do, and He speaks so much peace over me with this word) and journaling, I found in my journal a letter I wrote my mom when I was thirteen. In the letter, I thanked her and my dad for teaching me to love and follow Jesus because at that age I was just discovering what it meant to be in relationship with Jesus. I was excited and thankful to be raised by parents who love God.
And today, I felt alive.
My world was brought into sharp focus, that I have the opportunity to live out what my mom poured her life into teaching me and what she lived by example, a life of love and obedience to Jesus.
Each day carries its own challenges and mountains to face in this grief journey, but today I am thankful for life, for relationship with Jesus, and for a mother who had the courage to faithfully live out a life of obedience and love in response to His love.
Today, I am alive.

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